Diário de Bordo

Vodka drowns the butterflies
But cannot kill the feeling,

And the smell of alchol in my breath
Makes me sick,
And I hate feeling dizzy,
And the world isn't supposed to spin
this fast,
But maybe if I drink just enough
to turn numb
It won't hurt this much.

And there are boys here 
trying to touch me,
And they say I'm pretty
And wanna taste what I've been
drinking, 
But I look at them and all I see 
is a kind of loneliness in their eyes
That doesn't match
mine.

All these boys, they aren't 
you,
And you used to call me 
beautiful 
instead of pretty,
And our kisses tasted like 
honey
Not vodka,
And when you first touched me
It wasn't even with your 
hands.

And I'm repulsed by all 
these boys and
this love,
and I'm exhausted 
and your lips don't meet mine 
anymore,
but something inside hurts 
a little less
when the bottle kisses the dry skin 
on my lips
and half an hour later the bottle is just 
as empty as I am.
I hate drinking.
I don't do this, this isn't me
and it feels good not to be 
me.

I'm 22 and I have galaxies growing 
inside my ribs
I am supposed to be in love with the world
not with a man,
Maybe if I'm a whole new person
I can hate you with this new being
And I guess I'd rather burn my throat
than hurt my heart,
So I take another sip and 
give in.

I'll deal with my shame 
tomorrow,
when I'm back to being 
miserably and
pathetically 
in love with you.